Once someone is bullied they are bullied for life...
So, I finally got myself reasonably ready and took myself off to my high school reuinion. But it was amazing I went at all because the minute I knew I had to get ready I felt sick, depressed and wanted to cry my eyes out. In fact I cried most of the time I was getting ready right up until the time I got in the car.
I was bullied. Mercilessly tortured throughout my school life for no reason other than small town idiocy, and the passing on of a bullying tradition from parent to children. Every morning of my high school life was a decision in whether I went to school or hung myself. I am not kidding you.
And the thought of being with these people - the ones who did that to me, the ones who never stood up for me, and all the people who have been looking down at me for all these years - that thought alone sent me right back to that decision again.
But I had organised to go with a friend, and make up a foursome with WonderMan and his best friend. It was like having a safety harness. And I was prepared to suck it up and see what happened and not let it get me down.
And I had fun. Plenty of it... for a while....
The worst of the torturers weren't there. So I was able to talk to people I hadn't seen for ages and enjoy their company. I got to speak to friends I hadn't seen for 11 years. It was great, but I still didn't feel right.
And no, it wasn't WonderMan getting drunk and making a scene that did it, although that did put quite a dampner on my night.
It was the waiting - waiting for someone to laugh at me. Waiting for the all too familiar feeling of agony that I suffered all my school life. The nastiness, the jokes, the snubbing, the torture.
Because bullying never leaves you. When you bully someone you create something that lasts for life.
And even though I'm a day late. I want to add my story to the many we have heard for National Anti-Bullying Day. Because I don't want a "day" to recognise people like me. I want bullying to be in everyone's minds every single day, because it affects the victims every single day of their lives.
I have been the victim of domestic violence, workplace bullying, and suffered many other forms of abuse from people who i thought were my friends. Why? Because I was bullied. This is not a cop out, it's a fact. I have no sense of self worth, because I have spent my entire life being made to think I was not worth the air that I breathed.
And no one ever did anything to stop it.
Every time I have to listen to another spiel from the school I attended about their strong anti-bullying stance I want to scream "HYPOCRITES" at the top of my lungs. Teachers didn't want to know about it, there was never any help, if you told you were a tattle tale, and I remember well the phrase "You are old enough to sort it out between yourselves". It's still the same, they just have a fancy "anti-bully" sticker on the sign out the front. And lots of pretty looking policies that are nothing short of BS.
Part of it is the fact that bullying between girls has no physical appearance. It is all sick and twisted mind games. All the bully has to do is deny it and suddenly there's no bullying. And then it gets worse, because you told.
And the bullies get worse. They get away with it for years, often spurred on by their arrogant, bullying parents, and their misplaced sense of superiority.
They become bosses who bully because you are making your way up through your own hard work, and they pushed their way to the top.
They become partners who control, and hurt you while making you believe you deserve it.
They become the people in our lives who are so power hungry they don't care who they have to trample to get what they want. And then they trample on the people who helped them get there.
They are everywhere, and their ranks are growing daily. Children are being bullied in DAYCARE. They can't even have a happy and safe start to their childhood.
Stand up and be counted. Stop the bullies now. And if your child is a bully, ACCEPT IT. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. DON'T PRETEND IT'S NOT THERE. Because one day that child will be the reason another child is hanging from their bedroom ceiling. Can you live with that?
Bullying is so pervasive and insidious. It's at all levels of society and I hate that some people refuse to acknowledge it. I'm so sorry that this happened to you, and I truly admire the stance you are taking now. Standing up to be counted is one thing we can do that gives us back some power. I wrote about it last week too. http://www.thebookchook.com/2011/03/bullying-no-way.html
ReplyDeleteThis is a very powerful post. I'm glad you've found a voice here.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been able to write it down for all these years because i couldn't find my voice, and it's finally come together. It's a terrible feeling, and I know there are many others who never made it as far as I did, and I want to stop that happening again.
ReplyDeleteThankyou for your support :)
i was only saying to my Husband yesterday, i was bullied all the way from year 7 to year 10, every day, there was no let up and they did it till they made me cry, my anger and fury switch turns on the water works as well apart from the fact that it bloody hurt to be mentally tortured every school day for 4 years. the only let up i had was when i would convince my mum i had gastro or something of that nature so i could stay home sick from school... But i wasn't sick...
ReplyDeleteIf i had to catch a train somewhere i would visualise myself throwing myself in front of it. there was a look out near my house and i investigated the possibilities of throwing myself off it but realised it wasn't high enough and didn't want to end up in a wheel chair and thus be more of a target for bullies at school.
It is interesting though how you feel its made you a victim, as i have had the total opposite experience, it has made me with a rock hard side that wont put up with crap from anyone now.
I refuse now to put up with bullies and as you say they are everywhere, I have no fear of anyone, and i don't care what they say or think cause i know who i am inside.
You've inspired me to blog about bullying though, this is an important topic. and yes there needs to be more to stop it. i mean the first lesson I'm teaching my kids everyday is to be NICE to each other! I don't think many parents see it as a priority. I just hope it gets better before they have to go to school.
Very much agree that the parents of bullying children need to take it very seriously - unfortunately too many adults take some sick pride in their kids having it over others.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Really brave of you to share- and I hear you. I understand exactly what you are talking about. It's a really difficult pattern to break.
ReplyDeleteThis is a post that can never get old. I'm sitting here at work thinking of my own hanging. I passed an old high school classmate who was the start of some bullying 6 years ago since I started here. I was terribly bullied in high school for being naive and making a bad judgment with my boyfriend. Now I am being bullied on my current job for making once again a terrible lapse in judgment with a person I trusted with my entire life. If I were to speak of all the horrors I've endured due to my most recent catastrophe, if people could switch shoes with me, they might really kill themselves. I chose to visit a behavioral hospital in desperation (wanting to give up on my life I worked so hard for) only to not be admitted and left with yet another high hospital bill that I can hardly afford. My soul has been slaughtered and I can't bring myself to return to church any more. I can't bring myself to tell the truth publicly and respond to my attackers. I can't find words to say to my infant son who is another victim in this battle. All I do is search for another job to get away from this. If I can't find one, I will probably die and my son will be an orphan. I've gone to my employer and they are doing nothing. Bullying never ends.
ReplyDelete