Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Hire me - I will bring you cookies....

Dear Potential Employer

Hire me.


Because I'm fantastic, that's why.

Need more proof? Well, if you say so...

I'm can think on my feet. I am lightning on the answer to such questions as "Why is the sky blue?" "If the earth is a ball why don't we fall off the bottom?" "Why doesn't that fat man just go jogging instead of driving around in his scooter thingy?" and various others. I can research a topic in an exceptionally small window of time when required.

If a job needs doing, it means I'm not at work. I will do my work, brew coffee, change the light bulb and write a mini manual on how to use the space age photocopier. I will prod and prod and prod until the person above me stops re-sorting their in tray and finishes the essential report I have to collate and bind with an hour to spare. I have a metaphorical big stick and I am not afraid to use it.

If you ask for the impossible I will tell you. But I will also come up with a solution. If you push me I will be quite happy to diplomatically tell you to go stick your head in a barrel. Which may quite possibly be the solution we were all looking for.

I have more patience than you could ever dream of. I have a pre-teen and a pre-schooler. I teach ballet classes full of little attitude filled girls. There is not a customer alive who could push my buttons enough to make me crack. Sure, I might go home and have a great big glass of wine and shout at them from behind closed doors, but while they are in front of me I couldn't care less if they got down on the floor and kicked and screamed. I once spent an hour on the phone explaining to a gentleman how you can have 33 days in an interest cycle, and why one month had 2 cents less interest than another. And I did not call him an idiot until I got home and muffled my head with the pillow.

I have children. You might see this as a problem when considering my application. I see it as getting the most multi-talented employee you could ever hope to find. I have taken a crash course in patience, diplomacy, fashion, land rights, the arts, finance, psychology and more. 

I will read the manual. I am a woman. I will read the manual. And it will be done correctly, the first time around. And if I don't know how to do something, I will learn how. 

Finances are a breeze. I am happy to forward evidence in the form of my budget calculations for the last two years, which I can assure you are not fairy stories.

I am currently perfecting the extreme mother "look". I have been in training with my mother for the last ten years and and can report great progress in reaction times. Rabid children can now be sent scurrying to their mother's sides in less than a minute, saving great losses in the areas of stock and employee sanity.

I believe in the lost art of customer service. You might have seen it on rare occasions. It does still exist, and with great care may be nurtured back off the endangered list.

My time management is excellent. I currently manage four individual schedules on a daily basis, and provide outreach services to many others.

I can bake. I will bring you cookies. And make you a birthday cake. And in return for a bonus I will conveniently forget to ice how old you are on top.

You're welcome.

I look forward to receiving your phone call.

Yours, Natalie.

~ Linked up with DiaryofaSAHM for I Blog On Tuesdays! ~


  1. Hi Natalie, I've just come across from IBOT and I just Wanted to tell you that I just loved your post. I was nodding my head in agreement all the way through!

  2. This is the first time I've come across your blog.... iBOT has opened up my world! I look forward to reading more of yours. Great post. :)

  3. When can you move to Perth? We have to employ boat people and kiwis because people like you don't live in Perth!

  4. LMAO but totally agreeing with every point. Love it :) xx

  5. So lovely to see new faces! Thankyou for stopping by, I'm glad I gave you a giggle :)

  6. @theoriginalbg Now that you mention it I have been wondering why I'm stuck here in the arse end of nowhere when I could be in Perth enjoying your fabulous company and delivering cookies to all the places I would like to work ;) One day I will visit I PROMISE. And if you are lucky I will come home again LOL!

  7. You are funny! I especially like the stick your head in a barrel...which may quite possibly be the solution we were all looking for. Gold!

    Good luck with the job hunt.

  8. You are hired! :)

    Boatman would love to see a resume like this; he has some very 'special' employees. ;)

  9. @Lee it's amazing how many ways you can say things like "blow it our your arse boyfriend", and "go stick your head in a barrel" without actually saying it!

    @Jess - sooooo.... when do I start? And do I get a nanny with my salary package? ;) I already have a car.


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