Up and down like a yoyo on crack.

That title.. right there... yeah up there... that's me.

I know there is something wrong. Much more wrong than being generally stressed and depressed by the shitty ride our lives have been over the last couple of years.

Plus my body seems to be going the way of a cheap Chinese car left on a beach for a year.  
Bits are rapidly falling apart.

On my to do list is making a doctors appointment this week.

I'm wondering if you are able to book a doctor by the day because when I started writing down all the things I wanted to ask about... I had to use a second page.

For real.

Recurring nightmares of the trauma of Frog's birth.

The fall out from four years of getting poorer and poorer and all the important people in our lives dying.

Every time I'm on the brink of an epic nervous breakdown someone else has one and I am forced to rescedule. I'm now living forever on the brink. I can't find the trigger for the meltdown part anymore. I wish I could, then I could get it over and done with and get better.

Freaking out about open doors, open blinds, lights left on, things that go bump in the night. And I mean cold sweat freaking. 


Pain.


So much freaking pain. Here, and here, and there, and sometimes there, and if I do this, this stops hurting and that starts.


And let's not forget the broken bottom, or the epidural injury that makes everything else so much more complicated.

Being almost 30 and still having crappy skin issues.


My hair falling out a lot. 

A microesiotopic right eye. (Try and pronounce THAT after a few drinkies...)

Permanent tension type headaches.


Occasional migraines, but not enough to mean I get preventative medication. 


Contraception.


Weight loss.


Far OUT.


I am a mess.


I should just scrap this body and start again.

Most days I just get up and get on with life. But when you are halfway across the street and your leg decides not to work anymore you know you really should stop sucking it up and be a princess for a while.

I'm not sure whether the doctor will praise me for my monumental strength of character, or have to excuse himself to go and have a quiet giggle to the receptionist about the crazy woman who has so many knots in her yoyo string, small animals could make nests in it.

Either way, it's going to be like trying to untangled the rigging on Richard Hammond's Vietnamese Galleon.


I hope he's good at puzzles.


*NB I'm not being emo, I'm actually suprisingly upbeat today because WonderMan got a new job so there is a lot less stress for the moment. I am on the upswing.... but the downs are long and dark and scare me to death, so I've told you in the hope you kick my arse if I forget my doc appointment.