Monday, 1 August 2011

The Monster Is Here

It's lurking in the shadows.... I can feel it creeping up on me.

We all know it, the gut twisting feeling... the doubts start forming, the cracks start appearing...

Mummy Guilt is in the building.

As a parent we have all felt it at some time. It doesn't matter whether we stay at home, go to work, co-sleep, insist on separate rooms, allow them to play outdoors, wrap them in cotton wool, punish or coerce, actively engage or drink vodka and call them free range.........

You get my drift.

I have a work contract that has a very specific timeline. The first part of this contract only has a small window for completion and means that I have had to spend two days away from my family for 8 hours a day (on a weekend) and tomorrow as well. I don't have any room to move because my other job has booked me for 9 hours days from Wednesday until Friday, and by that time my contract has to be finished.

I know, I know, many of you work much more than that, but I'm only recently back into this situation and it's still making me tired and cranky okay?

This morning, Tiger was meant to be at school at 8am to go on her first school camp, overnight to the big city. She had been looking forward to it all week. She woke up telling WonderMan she had a squirly tummy, ate two bites of breakfast and vomited in the (thankfully) tiled hallway.

No camp. That was fine, WonderMan has his RDO today. Cool.

Not cool. With Tiger sick, Mummy spending all weekend out and coming home to eat and sleep (literally) Frog wasn't having any of this "Mummy's going to work now" business.

She cried. And howled. And shrieked "Muuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmyyyyy doooooonnnnn't gooooooooo woooooooorrrrk!" in amongst her copious tears. Despite WonderMan's best efforts she was heartbroken.

Cue the mummy guilt.

I drove away wanting to cry. I actually considered ringing my supervisor and cannng the whole lot despite the outrageous pay packet I am going to receive at the end.

I got down the road and I DID cry. A lot. Probably more than Frog did.

It doesn't matter what we do there always comes a point when we feel we have done the wrong thing. Even though the kids were in WonderMan's more than capable hands, I feel it's my jo to watch over them, to nurse them when they are sick, and hold them while they cry.

It doesn't matter whether you are a mummy or a daddy, we all feel it sometimes. We hold out for the day we get a break from the insanity and madness that is family life and get to do something all by ourselves, and then spend the whole window of time by ourselves worrying if we are causing a traumatic experience that will affect our children's sanity in years to come. Even though in reality they are having the time of their lives with people they love.

It does make me feel better to know that if they were cryng, it was WonderMan comforting them. There isn't anyone else in the world I would choose if I couldn't be there. And that's what love is I guess.

And a picture of Frog dancing in my favourite leg warmers did the trick..... from that point on I knew she was fine.

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