Monday, 16 January 2012

Trying to Navigate Blindfolded

5 sleeps until the move. Well five naps masquerading as sleeps really.

I have been looking forward to this for so long and it's as exciting and relieving as I hoped for the most part.

But it's tainted now and I just can't get the taste of worry out of my mouth, or the trickle of fear out of my heart.

You see, WonderMan's boss is a bastard after all.

Everything discussed or promised pre-Christmas is now as substantial as dust in the breeze.

The bright shining light marking our new beginning has been dimmed.

And now he will most likely be moving on to a new job soon.

Mostly this doesn't bother me. We are going forward, and we will keep on going come hell or high water.

But I will become a trucker's wife, and it's cutting me to the core.

It's been a much discussed thing in our household. I swore I would put up with anything but him driving a truck for a living. He knows why. He respected it, for a while.

But he's discovered his grand passion for driving, and he finds himself a job where he's driving locally, he's home every night, no long haul, no night drives.

We compromise. I lock the fear away.

Then it all falls apart and what is the answer? Another job, driving a truck. This means nights away, long hauls, being at the mercy of "the company", daddy always late to the kids birthday parties, missing the family holidays....

This means a broken wife, and bewildered children, left alone in a town we have just arrived in with no friends, no family.

This means nights of terror and fear for me.

Of long lonely mornings watching the sun rise and hoping against hope that today the police will not need to knock on my door.

Right now I don't know which way to turn. It's like trying to navigate through hell with a blindfold on.

These last few months have been tough. Really fucking tough. 

I'm living in a place I hate, with people I hate, who treat me like dirt because I exist, with a family falling apart, a mentally unbalanced sibling threatening to kill my children, and I've been doing everything myself. Holding up the family, caring for my kids, running the household, running around after WonderMan ringing four times a day interrupting me and finding irritating ways to waste my time from 600kms away.

The move I've been dreaming of is so close, and I'm so overwhelmed but I've kept going because I could see the hope shining for me.

I'm losing my light. 

I'm losing the momentum that has kept me going over the last few weeks.

I feel like I've got so close and now I've lost my way.

I'm groping in the darkness.

I need the curtains to fall from my eyes, and the light to guide my way. 

5 broken sleeps to go.


  1. just keep breathing girl... the only moment you have any control over is the one you are in right now. throw a gag on the "what if's" and the "if only's"... and breathe.

    as winston churchill said "when you're going through hell, keep going"

    You can do this Natalie - You already are.

    Sending you love, light and strength to get through the next 5 broken sleeps... championing you on from the side lines.


    1. Thankyou for your kind thoughts and support :) It's so close now and the light is starting to shine through again :)

  2. There is a quote, it is always darkest before the dawn. I think that you are arriving at your dawn. Will pray for you that you have peace.

    1. Thankyou Marti - thanks for making me feel strong and keeping me looking forward xx


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